When Silence Becomes the Loudest Scream: My Untold Story of Rape

Read Time:7 Minute, 47 Second

KTyler

Trauma left me isolated, unable to confide in anybody, and full of secrets and self-blame. My outlook on life was deteriorating daily, and I saw no hope. I avoided seeking help because I was afraid of being judged or rejected. I cut relationships with many wonderful people because I grew so insular and rejected boys’ company. My closest pals waned. I alienated Kenneth Kellogg, Gregory Johnson, and Donnie Bailey initially due to my trauma. Joining the military would put me in touch with Gregory Johnson, and marrying my sister would make Donnie Bailey my brother-in-law. My horrible and devastating upbringing as a young child recovering from rape is hard to express. Maybe talking about my trauma would have helped, but I couldn’t at the time. This internal battle depleted me emotionally and mentally, lowered my self-esteem, and plunged me into despair. I sought counseling and support groups to break my long quiet. Speaking my truth relieved a huge burden of shame and remorse. Telling my story helped me heal and acquire courage to face problems again.

After experiencing trauma, I felt cut off from society, unable to confide in anybody, and burdened with secrets and self-blame. My perspective on life appeared to deteriorate with each passing day, and I could no longer perceive a glimmer of hope. For some reason, the thought of being judged or rejected kept me from reaching out for the support I needed. I severed ties with many wonderful people because I became so insular that I rejected companionship from anybody, particularly boys. My closest friends gradually faded away. The first people to be alienated due to my trauma were Kenneth Kellogg, Gregory Johnson, and Donnie Bailey. By joining the military, I would have contact with Gregory Johnson, and by marrying my sister, Donnie Bailey would become my brother-in-law and continue to be in touch with me. I'm not sure how to describe the horrifying and destructive upbringing I had while I was a young child recovering from rape. Maybe things would have turned out better if I had talked about my trauma, but at the time I was unable to do so. I was emotionally and mentally drained, my sense of self-worth diminished, and I descended into a pit of despair as a result of this internal conflict. I was unable to escape the crippling silence that had consumed me for an extended period until I reached out for assistance through counseling and support groups. I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders as I spoke my truth; it was a release of pent-up shame and remorse. Not only did telling my experience help me heal, but it also gave me the strength to tackle challenges again and regain my courage.
The weight of my secret became ever more oppressive as the days, weeks, months, and years passed, pressing down upon me like a crushing burden. I knew deep down that speaking out was my only option to escape the control my rapist had over me, but I also wanted to remain hidden to avoid condemnation and stigma, so I fought an internal battle every day to keep quiet. It seemed like I could never break free of the vicious cycle of self-loathing and dread that was holding me back from healing. At some point, though, I just couldn't take it any longer and broke down. It was a lightbulb moment that finally made me face the monsters that had tormented me for a long time. In order to regain my voice and my strength, I had to break out of the cycle of silence. It was a freeing and inspiring experience that gave me the freedom to write my own story and the will to continue on my road to recovery.

I found the strength to finally break free from the shackles of shame and terror that had ensnared me for so long after years of quietly suffering. I was able to regain control of my story and my agency after a freeing and therapeutic experience of opening up about my experiences. When I told other people my experience, they understood that they, too, had faced similar challenges. By sharing my story, I was fighting not just for myself but also for the many others who had been bullied into silence because of their experiences with trauma and injustice. There were times when I questioned being so honest and vulnerable because the process was so challenging. Sharing my truth was difficult, but the love and encouragement I got from those close to me and some I didn't even know strengthened my resolve. I came out on the other side more determined than before, with a renewed sense of purpose, and ready to keep fighting for social equality and justice.

The horror of my rape started to go away as I started to heal via therapy, support groups, and advocacy work. I connected with other survivors who could relate to my suffering and encouraged me as I worked to overcome it. In my pain, I was no longer alone. I have broken free from the chains of fear and humiliation today. I stand rebranded as a xombie, a survivor, and an advocate for all victims of sexual assault. Even though I've been through the worst of my trauma, I'm better off now than I was before. Now I understand that being quiet isn't going to help me overcome my trauma and regain my strength; instead, I must speak out. Fearlessly, I stand ready to speak out for change and provide a silent hand to those who are still fighting the good fight. A ray of light breaks through the shadows that encircle survivors of sexual assault, and my voice is a guiding light. In a society that frequently seeks to humiliate and silence victims, I will not be hushed any more; rather, I intend to be a catalyst for healing and empowerment. After a long and arduous struggle, I have finally discovered my voice and the courage to speak up against the injustices that have befallen me and countless others. My mission in life is to raise my voice for survivors so that they can be heard, understood, and given the tools they need to recover and succeed. I will not rest until I have done all I can to bring attention to the issue, push for reform, and offer silent support to those who are still going through tough times. By working together, we can end the perpetuation of stigma and silence and build a society that respects and listens to survivors.

Today, I am no longer silenced by shame or fear. I am a survivor, a xombie, and a voice for everyone who has experienced sexual violence. I have walked through the darkest depths of my trauma and emerged stronger and more resilient than ever before. I know now that silence is not the answer—speaking out is the only way to break free from the chains of trauma and reclaim my power. I stand tall and unafraid, ready to advocate for change and support those who are still struggling in silence. My voice is a beacon of hope, shining a light on the darkness that so often surrounds survivors of sexual violence. I will not be silenced any longer, for I am determined to be a force for healing and empowerment in a world that all too often tries to silence and shame those who have been victimized. It has been a long and difficult journey, but I have finally found my voice and the strength to speak out against the injustices that have been done to me and so many others. I am determined to use my voice to create a world where survivors are believed, supported, and empowered to heal and thrive. My journey is not over, but I am determined to continue to raise awareness, advocate for change, and support those who are still struggling in silence. Together, we can break the cycle of silence and shame and create a world where survivors are truly heard and valued.

My life exemplifies how the power of perseverance can triumph over insurmountable odds. In the face of overwhelming suffering, I made the conscious decision to seek healing and peace, and here is the account of my journey towards that goal. I found bravery and strength inside myself that I had no idea existed till my adventure. I wanted to give up a few times since it was so hard. What kept me going, though, was the hope that my experience could encourage others who were going through tough times.

My goal in writing this is to encourage people to speak up and end their own cycle of quiet. It is my hope that I can demonstrate to them that their suffering is shared and that there is hope for recovery. If someone is feeling lost and despairing, I want to give them hope. The lessons I've learned from my experiences serve as a constant reminder that there is hope for a better tomorrow, even in the depths of despair. Sharing the truth about my struggles in the hopes that it may give others the will to do the same can help me heal and find justice.